A Letter to my Daughter

Dear as-of-yet unnamed little baby girl,
You'll be here any day now.  I'll be surprised if you're not here by the weekend.  I love you already....but I'm terrified of you.  The changes that baby #3 will bring, the fact that I can't pick a name for you, that I don't know how your older siblings will behave once you arrive(though I'm expecting it won't be well), that I don't know what kind of number you're going to do to my body and I'm scared to death of postpartum depression and ocd.  I'm scared of, well, everything.  The potential for several more years of sleepless nights and emotional upheaval is almost more than I can bear sometimes.  It seems the bigger you grow, the harder things become.  The stress between Cranky Pirate and I, which has been there for years, only gets worse when I'm pregnant.  Your brother and sister have grown alternately excited for your arrival, and entirely unimpressed with the fact that you are coming(I know, it makes no sense!).  All grandparents are butt-hurt over the fact that, given that we already had 'one of each' kept making babies over the socially acceptable number of two(unless you 'need' one of the opposite gender).  Yes, you are being born into a completely childist society that is anti-family and VERY selfish.  If we have more children after you, I'm sure the disparaging looks and tacky comments will only come more frequently.  I'm scared that something will be wrong with you.  I turned down genetic screening and, after my level 2 ultrasound, a meeting with a genetic counselor and any further testing.  However, I know that, technically, you're chances of having Down Syndrome are now increased.  It scares the hell out of me that you could be sick....that my baby won't be well, won't be 'normal'.  And, yes, part(most) of that is a VERY selfish fear.  It will make my life harder and take me away from your siblings more.  Alternately, I'm also scared that you'll be a very easy baby.  I know this makes no sense.  However, I have horrible ocd....kids have always given me an out from participating in society.  If you are easy and sleep anywhere, then I won't have ANY excuse to stay hidden away.  While I know that your brother and sister would love that, it terrifies me. That I would actually have to reach out....that I would probably have to resort to medications to cope.  That I know it would start another roller-coaster of Cranky Pirate counting pills and keeping business cards handy and phone numbers on speed dial and asking, every time I have a bad day, if I've been taking my meds.....and I hate meds.  What if something happens....I don't want to watch another baby be held down for a spinal tap.  Will you nurse well?  Will my labor be what I'm hoping for?  Will I need a c-section.  What if something goes wrong(like in all the freaky stories I've unfortunately been reading) and I end up with pre-eclampsia or postpartum heart problems?  What if something happens and I die, like that crazy story I read where the mom died and her little girl was alone in the house...I mean, ok, I should really stop with the crazy reading of sad stories, but that one freaked me out!! Will you sleep as well as your sister did as a baby?  Will you prefer your father more than me(as your sister did) which will kick up the crazy want for me to have another little boy?  Will the bond be there?  Can I love you just as much as I love your brother and sister?  Will it work?  Will we all settle in happily and, before we know it, it will be as if you were always here....or, well, more like you were the piece we didn't know was missing?  Can I handle the emotional rollercoaster of having, and loving another baby, all while dealing with OCD....I hope its something you never understand, but EVERY cry, sigh, wimper, funny look, fever, sniffle, cough, or anything else is enough to send me into a panic and to stand vigil over a crib or bed while waiting for the worst to happen. 
Ok, all that bat-poo crazy being said, I love you little girl.  I can't wait to see you.  I'm glad you chose this family to come into.  While I'm terrified, I'm also completely smitten.  I'm ready to see Cranky Pirate catch you, and hand you to me and to have that crazy start to the crazy whirlwind romance of a life we're going to have.  I don't know if there will be more after you, but I know that my pregnancy with you has been life changing in ways I didn't know existed.  I'm ready to see you earthside and jump into the deep end.  Oh, but if you could, PLEASE be kind to mama's perineum on the way out....seriously.  A bad doctor did a hell of a number down there when I had your big sister....so, seriously, if you wanna give me a bit of a break, that would be great.  I love you....more than the rain, more than good coffee, more than sleeping late and spending an entire day in a bookstore.  I love you more.  I'll get through the rough....I'll find a way to love you the way you need to be loved, even if it means getting through the mess in my mind....I'll find a way to keep it quiet in my mind so that I can have enough grace for both of us.  For all of us. 
Love,
Mama