Thankful Thursday: Getting the 'wrong' Midwife

Things don't always turn out the way you plan for them too.  Thank God.  You can worry and plan and make lists and go over and over things.  Ultimately, God is in control.  God knows what you need....and its not always what you want.  When I was pregnant, I was under the care of a group of midwives that rotated visits and also rotated their call schedule.  I had an idea, in my head, of how my pregnancy, labor, delivery and postpartum period would be.  Of course, none of it went anything like I'd planned!  I'd been told repeatedly that, due to my history, I would do good to make it to 37 weeks.  Now, luckily, my midwives were very hands off and respectful and just watched and waited and never tried to talk induction or intervention.  I carried to 40 weeks and 5 days.  The day I delivered, I had NO idea I was in labor.  I had a routine appointment which was REALLY good since otherwise I probably would've had Little Birdie in the car otherwise.  I went from the midwives office to the hospital next door where I delivered my daughter 3 hours later.  I'd heard so much about pressure vs. pain and ecstatic birth and how amazing laboring in a tub was.  When I got to the hospital, Cranky Pirate and I were a little disappointed that the midwife we were hoping would deliver my baby wasn't on call.  The midwife I got was EXACTLY the one I NEEDED.  My labor was easy, until transition and then it was hell.  I was in the tub, I was visualizing, I was breathing, and it wasn't working.  My midwife came in, and I was scared.  I was in the middle of a full on panic attack because I was hurting and NOTHING was making it better.  And she actually explained it all to me.  Everything.  That, at this point, what was going to help the pain was to have the baby.  I didn't think I was far enough along and was scared I had ages to go.  I was feeling pushy, but fighting it.  She told me to push...that the baby was there, that the only way to stop hurting was to stop being in labor.  3 pushes later, with no medication with just Cranky Pirate and my midwife, I delivered my beautiful little Birdie!  It was crazy and beautiful and everything I needed.  No, this isn't my full birth story...I'm still processing so many of the details.  But I'm so thankful that things worked out the way that they did.

I'm back! Just in time for Wordless Wednesday.

Farewell, pregnancy!  Welcome Earthside, Baby Birdie! See Y'all tomorrow!

Thankful Thursday: God

Its time for Thankful Thursday again, and this week I have SO much to be thankful for.  Yes, on one hand, I suppose I do have a lot of things I could grumble about.  That's life.  However, If I quit whining and feeling sorry for myself and focus on my blessings, its amazing how much more my life starts to rock! :)  Really, at the end of the day, my life is amazing.  Yes, I have stress but I'm amazingly blessed.  Focusing on the blessings is REALLY helping to keep the stress and worry at bay.  I'm an inpatient, cranky, stressed out mama who could only get through each and every day by the grace of God.  So, today, nothing long and drawn out.  Just, that I couldn't thrive without His grace and that, when things seem the MOST unbearable, God always has a way of giving you just enough grace to see that the best things ever are right around the corner.

Its Wednesday Again, Y'all, so shhh!

See Y'all tomorrow!!

My advice to my daughter(in response to 'Biblical Reasons for Divorce')

Well, Its been quite a few days since I've posted.  I'm running around like crazy trying to make sure everything is in place for the arrival of Baby V.  Of course, I'm sure things were fine 3 or 4 weeks ago, but every day I wake up and find something else that needs tending to.  Ah, such is the life of a soon-to-be mama of 3!  Now, on to business!  I pondered publishing this post, but felt it was the right thing to do.  Not necessarily easy, but if it can benefit anyone, then I would be remiss to keep it hidden away.  After reading the advice that was sent to me to be forwarded to the lady having marriage issues, I realized just how different everyone feels on this issue.  I knew it wouldn't be cut and dry and people have different life experiences, but no two people responded the same way.  She has noted that she has appreciated that people thought enough of her situation to send advice or, at the very least, well wishes her way.  I thought long and hard about what advice I wanted to give her.  What advice would I give to my daughter if she were in that situation?  What advice would I give to my best friend?  If I were looking into the eyes of someone I loved and saw them hurting and broken-hearted and feeling absolutely worthless and just looking for some kind of hope.   If I saw one of my little girls devastated by the way her spouse was treating her and if he was engaging in this kind of behavior...or even worse, if my son was treating his wife this way....what would I say to her?  So, I gave this woman the advice that I would give if she were my daughter.  A tough-love sort of manner because, at this point, this poor woman has been absolutely broken by the person who is supposed to support her the most.  So, here it is.

Wow!  First off, I'm so glad that you felt secure enough to reach out to me.  I'm passing along all the advice and thoughts that I receive so that hopefully you will garner some direction or comfort from them.  I'm SO sorry for what you've been put through.  You deserve so much better.  This kind of treatment is unacceptable.  You've been broken by the person that should be your foundation. Instead, he seems to have left you on sand with no way to get your bearings.  I wanted to give some advice of my own.  As will all the other advice you're received, it is yours to do with as you wish.  I hope that you are at least able to get some answers or some things sorted out.  When deciding how I felt and how I wanted to respond to your e-mail, I had to think long and hard.  I finally realized that the only way I could give you advice that I could actually stand behind was to imagine if one of my daughters were in your situation.  This is where that advice comes from.   So, if it seems a little tough-love-heavy-on-the-southern-mama, thats because it is. :)
1)  You need to get yourself(and maybe even your older children) into counselling.  You need to find a GOOD Christian counselor without an agenda that will help you to rebuild your self-esteem.  You need  to do this so that you will realize that you DESERVE so much better.  You deserve to be treated better and deserve to have a happy home life. 
2)He needs to get himself into counselling(again, with a GOOD Christian counselor without an agenda)!  He needs to start the process of coming clean about why he has made it a point to distance himself from you, especially when you are the most vulnerable and need him the most.  If he can not do this, that would be a red flag for me.
3)You mentioned that he has had emotional affairs but had no way to prove if it had escalated.  Whether it became physical or not does NOT matter.  He betrayed your trust and acted inappropriately with another female.  He needs to go to counselling to deal with the issues that lead him to seek out the attentions of other women, ASAP!  Also, he needs to be an open book.  You need to have ALL the passwords to his e-mail accounts, social networking accounts and voice mail.  If you discover hidden accounts that allow him to continue this behavior unchecked or he refuses to deal with this, thats another deal breaker to me. 
4)A recurring theme was that he wouldn't actually deal with issues, but would just be nice and act as if things were normal.  Tell him that this is unacceptable.  That while doing the dishes is nice, he is showing you utter disrespect when he refuses to do what it will take to fix the issues.  He can either talk about the issues at hand(especially since he promises that he will) or he's only showing his lack of consideration for you.
5)Start a separate savings account.  This is not fun money or a typical rainy day fund.   This is just in case something happens and you need to leave quickly.  It is for dire emergencies only.  He is to have no access to it.  If you have a skill or are able to babysit, then you can take the small amount of money you would earn and put that aside in your account or, if that is too risky, you could give the cash to a trusted friend or family member. 
6)Check with your local community college to see about continuing education or certificate programs.  If you have ANY hours at all, they may be able to go toward getting a certifications that would help you to find a job that would allow you to provide for your children.  This would also help to boost your self-esteem as well!
7)The whole room-mate thing is very sad to me.  Have a room-mate or a husband.  If you can't view each other as spouses, especially due to his out of place priorities and what you consider to be sexual immorality, then you need to sort out HOW he needs to go about repairing this.  What will he have to do for you to look at him as a romantic partner instead of some guy that lives with you and squashes the bugs?  Think LONG and HARD about this.  It is NOT fair at all on your part if you lead him on, give him mixed signals and a list of requirements when, in fact, you no longer have any romantic feelings for him and don't want to work things out.  Make sure you are being totally honest with yourself here.
8)Porn. Ugh.  Honey, if he has a porn addiction, he needs to get to a support group, like, yesterday, and you need to find a support group for spouses/partners of people with some form of sex addiction.  Pornography is disgusting and has NO place in a marriage.  It only serves to make women feel inadequate and men feel desensitized to real women and real relationships.  I could go on for days, but honestly, at the very least it is degrading and insulting to women.  Its got to be TERRIBLY difficult to be married to a man who views women that way!  I would say that, at the very least, you need to install net nanny or some other internet blocker or filtering software on ALL the computers in your house as quickly as possible.  Also, if he has a smart phone, then you need to go through your service provider and have that sort of content blocked from his phone. 
9)Since he has a problem with emotional affairs and seeking attention from other women, he needs to get that in check.  My suggestion?  NO unneccesary contact with females that he is not related to.  No female friends that are not also your friends as well.  He is to delete female friends that you do not approve of from his phone and social networking accounts.  Now, will this completely solve the problem or prevent the behaviors entirely?  No, but it will at least let him know that YOU know whats going on and you expect him to act better than he has been.
10) 'fake it til you make it' is the worst advice I've ever heard in a scenario like this.  I'm SO sorry you were given that advice.  He's been treating you badly, ignoring your needs, and just basically missing the mark all around on how to help fix things.  I would say, instead, to picture your marriage how you want it to be and go backwards to sort out the steps you have to take to get to that point, but never to just fake being happy.  Thats unfair to both of you.  You have to be brutally honest with yourself and with him if you are going to sort this out.  Hopefully he can take a lesson and be brutally honest as well, instead of being so caught up focusing on his image!
So, there it is.  This is the advice I would give to my children and I hope that, if nothing else, you know that I'm thinking of you and your children and praying that your situation would have a wonderful resolution as I know that you really DO want things to work out for the best.  That you would have a marriage that is a testament to the glory and grace of God, that you would have a spouse worthy of you and that your children could grow up in a happy household.  I hope that you are able to find peace and grace while going through this trial and know that there are people that are thinking of you!

Time for Wordless Wednesday

My superhero! See Y'all Tomorrow!

A Letter to my Daughter

Dear as-of-yet unnamed little baby girl,
You'll be here any day now.  I'll be surprised if you're not here by the weekend.  I love you already....but I'm terrified of you.  The changes that baby #3 will bring, the fact that I can't pick a name for you, that I don't know how your older siblings will behave once you arrive(though I'm expecting it won't be well), that I don't know what kind of number you're going to do to my body and I'm scared to death of postpartum depression and ocd.  I'm scared of, well, everything.  The potential for several more years of sleepless nights and emotional upheaval is almost more than I can bear sometimes.  It seems the bigger you grow, the harder things become.  The stress between Cranky Pirate and I, which has been there for years, only gets worse when I'm pregnant.  Your brother and sister have grown alternately excited for your arrival, and entirely unimpressed with the fact that you are coming(I know, it makes no sense!).  All grandparents are butt-hurt over the fact that, given that we already had 'one of each' kept making babies over the socially acceptable number of two(unless you 'need' one of the opposite gender).  Yes, you are being born into a completely childist society that is anti-family and VERY selfish.  If we have more children after you, I'm sure the disparaging looks and tacky comments will only come more frequently.  I'm scared that something will be wrong with you.  I turned down genetic screening and, after my level 2 ultrasound, a meeting with a genetic counselor and any further testing.  However, I know that, technically, you're chances of having Down Syndrome are now increased.  It scares the hell out of me that you could be sick....that my baby won't be well, won't be 'normal'.  And, yes, part(most) of that is a VERY selfish fear.  It will make my life harder and take me away from your siblings more.  Alternately, I'm also scared that you'll be a very easy baby.  I know this makes no sense.  However, I have horrible ocd....kids have always given me an out from participating in society.  If you are easy and sleep anywhere, then I won't have ANY excuse to stay hidden away.  While I know that your brother and sister would love that, it terrifies me. That I would actually have to reach out....that I would probably have to resort to medications to cope.  That I know it would start another roller-coaster of Cranky Pirate counting pills and keeping business cards handy and phone numbers on speed dial and asking, every time I have a bad day, if I've been taking my meds.....and I hate meds.  What if something happens....I don't want to watch another baby be held down for a spinal tap.  Will you nurse well?  Will my labor be what I'm hoping for?  Will I need a c-section.  What if something goes wrong(like in all the freaky stories I've unfortunately been reading) and I end up with pre-eclampsia or postpartum heart problems?  What if something happens and I die, like that crazy story I read where the mom died and her little girl was alone in the house...I mean, ok, I should really stop with the crazy reading of sad stories, but that one freaked me out!! Will you sleep as well as your sister did as a baby?  Will you prefer your father more than me(as your sister did) which will kick up the crazy want for me to have another little boy?  Will the bond be there?  Can I love you just as much as I love your brother and sister?  Will it work?  Will we all settle in happily and, before we know it, it will be as if you were always here....or, well, more like you were the piece we didn't know was missing?  Can I handle the emotional rollercoaster of having, and loving another baby, all while dealing with OCD....I hope its something you never understand, but EVERY cry, sigh, wimper, funny look, fever, sniffle, cough, or anything else is enough to send me into a panic and to stand vigil over a crib or bed while waiting for the worst to happen. 
Ok, all that bat-poo crazy being said, I love you little girl.  I can't wait to see you.  I'm glad you chose this family to come into.  While I'm terrified, I'm also completely smitten.  I'm ready to see Cranky Pirate catch you, and hand you to me and to have that crazy start to the crazy whirlwind romance of a life we're going to have.  I don't know if there will be more after you, but I know that my pregnancy with you has been life changing in ways I didn't know existed.  I'm ready to see you earthside and jump into the deep end.  Oh, but if you could, PLEASE be kind to mama's perineum on the way out....seriously.  A bad doctor did a hell of a number down there when I had your big sister....so, seriously, if you wanna give me a bit of a break, that would be great.  I love you....more than the rain, more than good coffee, more than sleeping late and spending an entire day in a bookstore.  I love you more.  I'll get through the rough....I'll find a way to love you the way you need to be loved, even if it means getting through the mess in my mind....I'll find a way to keep it quiet in my mind so that I can have enough grace for both of us.  For all of us. 
Love,
Mama